Everything
by JKO73
Summary: Kensi decides to open up to Deeks about her feelings, hoping that it will help him return to the man he used to be. First ever fanfic. First ever piece of writing. Nervous...!


Kensi hadn't even put the key in the car's ignition. She was simply sat, twisting the key in her hand, staring out of the window, glancing at the space where her partner's car had been and intermittently glancing towards the road he had driven down, away from her, just 10 minutes before.

She didn't know what to do for the best. She could feel the tension coming off him in waves as he tried so hard to pretend he was fine, everything was normal and that being back at work was effortless. He cracked jokes, he got on with the job, hell, he even flirted with her a little. But he just wasn't Deeks. Her Deeks. She thought that Hetty was worried about him and suspected that Callen had his doubts regarding whether he should be back at work yet. But she KNEW he wasn't ok. She knows him better than the others, she is his partner after all. So she knew he wasn't sleeping, that he still had nightmares, that he was now taking unnecessary risks. But her main concern was the lack of honesty between them. He repeatedly tried to convince her he was good, that she didn't need to fuss or worry about him and she could sense him trying to put distance between them again.

Kensi didn't know whether to be sad because of how lonely and anxious Deeks must be, angry that he was still trying to deal with the impact of the abduction and torture on his own or scared that he was slipping away from her. She felt panicky at just the thought of losing him, of not being able to be there for him, to help him heal. _'It's like I'm trying to hold sand in my hands and I can't stop it running through my fingers'_ she thought despondently.

Time ticked slowly by as Kensi remained sat in her car. Thinking, just thinking. Trying to decide whether to go talk to him or give him space. _'And if I did speak to him, what on earth would I say?'_ She smiled ruefully to herself _'How about 'I know you're the one who was tortured but I need you to be ok because I can't be ok if you're not?'_

She looked down once again at the key in her hand. "Enough." She said out loud. "I have had enough. I am not going to lose him, I will not let him fade away from me." And with that she started the car, heading straight to Deeks' home where she was determined to make him see sense. _'We can figure it out together.'_

She heard Monty start to bark as she hammered repeatedly on Deeks' door.

"I know you're in there Deeks. Open up before I pick the lock"

The door swung open. "I could arrest you for that you know"

"But you wouldn't." She smiled a little. "Can I come in?"

Deeks stepped aside to let Kensi cross the doorstep. She could tell that he didn't really want her there but she was determined to tell him what she should have said months ago so she moved into his apartment and turned slowly to face him.

"Look, I hadn't really planned this visit today. It was more of a spur of the moment thing. But I just couldn't go home tonight without saying some stuff to you."

Deeks widened his stance as if bracing himself for what was to come. He waited for a moment, contemplating whether to listen or tell her that he couldn't deal with any additional emotional pressure right now. Decision made, he ran his hand through his messy blonde hair and slowly walked to the couch. Sitting directly in the centre of the large, squashy couch, he beckoned her to sit opposite him on the coffee table. As she sat, she noted the butterflies in her stomach as her knees brushed his and it gave her a reality check that she was actually about to be totally honest with the man in front of her.

Deeks face showed no emotion although there was a barely there crack in his voice as he said "Bring it Kensalina, let me hear what you've got to say."

And suddenly, this was her moment. It was her chance to say everything that had been building up inside her for the last few months. Kensi took a deep breath, trying to decide where to start.

"I miss you. I do. Really miss you like I'm missing part of me miss you. I have someone who looks like you, I see glimpses of you, but it's not really you. You're pretending – to be fine, to be happy, to be over Siderov and that…" she paused and looked him directly in the eye, "…you didn't kiss me or lay your heart out in the bullpen after you were rescued."

Kensi scoured Deeks' face for a sign of any reaction but saw nothing other than the well practiced emotionless expression of an experienced undercover cop. She continued to look at him and placed her right hand on his knee in front of her. "You won't get well if you keep pretending you're fine, that we're fine."

She gently squeezed his knee. "And I don't want to keep pretending those things didn't happen. I know I didn't say or do anything in return. And I regret that but I want to learn from those mistakes so I came here to tell you that you made me a better person. You absolutely did. You made me believe that I could do anything, that I could achieve anything, that I could be anything."

She shrugged. "But now I'm frightened." And then gave a half-hearted chuckle in response to Deeks' surprised expression. "Yep, Bad Ass Blye is frightened. I'm scared you are slipping away from me and that you will disappear a little bit at a time until one day you'll be gone. And I will go back to being the person I was before you rearranged my life."

Kensi leant forward towards Deeks who was simply staring at her, a small frown on his face as he tried to process what he was hearing. "I promise you Deeks, that I will try my very best to finally demonstrate how much you mean to me. And I may get things wrong but I will keep trying to show you my feelings and prove that I'm yours for as long as you'll let me. And there's a squillion things I still need to learn about you and how to be in a relationship. But, you… you taught me how to love again so I'm confident you can teach me all I need to know." Deeks unexpectedly grabbed her left hand and slowly traced his thumb across the back of her fingers.

Kensi's chin tilted upwards and she sat up straight, pushing her shoulders back. Her voice lost its gentle tone and became more insistent. "But you have to fight for this too, Deeks. You have to be strong and believe that you will come out the other side of your traumatic experience and you need to accept the appropriate help to do that. You have to be honest - with yourself about what you need _and_ to those who love you and would do anything to help you through this."

Her right arm flew towards Deeks' chest. She pressed her flattened hand against his chest. "Look deep within yourself. Recover the man I know is still in there." She patted his chest twice to emphasise her point. "Fight for who you were Deeks. Fight for who we were. I know the guy you were seems a distant memory. But I remember who you used to be. You were a man who could do anything, you could achieve anything, you could be anything."

Her hand now scrunched his navy t-shirt between her fingers, as if was possible to stop him fading away from her just by holding on to him tightly. She heard a somewhat desperate tone creep into her voice. "Don't count yourself out Deeks. Don't count US out. Count us in and let's face this together. Put your trust and your faith in me. In us. We can do anything, we can achieve anything. We can be anything."

Deeks dropped his gaze and let go of Kensi's hand. He looked down at the floor between them, trying to comprehend all he had heard. After several moments Deeks raised his eyes to hers and shook his head slowly. "I don't want to be _anything_ with you Kens."

Kensi felt her heart plummet in her chest. She inhaled sharply and began to blink, attempting to stem the tears which threatened to fall down her cheeks. "Oh. I see. Ok. Well that's um, fine. Of course it is. Yes, excellent decision. Sensible. Probably for the best. Much easier that way. Less complicated."

Kensi sat frozen to the spot as she stumbled over her words whilst Deeks just stared at her, eyebrows raised and mouth slightly open in astonishment at the tirade of words pouring from her mouth. "Kens?" He interjected and smiled a little as she took a breath, ready to resume her ramblings. "Kensi." He spoke more sharply and she paused, looking at him with sad, vulnerable eyes. He could see her confusion and in an attempt to calm her, he reached for her hand again.

"Kens, what are you talking about?"

"I just…I just didn't think you wouldn't want to be _anything_ with me. Does that include being partners?" Deeks looked into her eyes and saw a fleeting glimpse of panic pass across them as she began to speak quickly again, her voice rising higher as her anxiety levels increased. "Are you going to tell Hetty that you don't want to be my partner anymore? What will you say to the guys? Will you go back to the LAPD? I'll have to find a new p.."

"Wow. Really?" Deeks interrupted quickly. "Where is that all coming from?"

Kensi's cheeks flushed pink and she avoided his gaze as she mumbled "You said you didn't want to be anything with me."

"Ah, I see." Deeks sighed. "Seems I'm still not so great at saying what I really mean." Kensi's head snapped up and she pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear as Deeks muttered "note to self, really really need to work on my communication skills."

He cleared his throat, squeezed Kensi's hand tightly and brushed his right hand across her cheek. His mind was whirring '_how best to say it, to tell her_?' He took a deep breath and smiled directly at Kensi, trying to appear more confident than his fluttery heart suggested.

"Ok Kens, here goes. I said I didn't want to be _anything_ with you and I meant that." Kensi gasped and recoiled as if she had been slapped, immediately withdrawing her hand from his. Deeks firmly took it back again, leaning close enough to her so that she was unable to avoid looking at him. "No, wait, I'm not done talking yet. I don't want to be just _anything_ with you Kens. Because I want to be _everything _with you."

"You do? Everything?" Kensi asked, a small smile starting to form at the corner of her mouth. "Really?"

"Of course I do". He looked at her as if he couldn't believe she didn't know that already. "Where have you been Kens? You know I love you, surely? I want the whole damn works – partners, best friends, lovers, I want marriage, babies and growing old together. All of it. With you."

Deeks dropped to his knees in front of Kensi, who was still sat perched on the coffee table, took her face in his gentle hands and pulled her into a tender, long awaited and much anticipated kiss.

"Thank goodness for that." Kensi sighed relieved as she rested her forehead against his. "So it seems we're finally on the same page huh? We're going to do this, you and me? Starting now?"

Deeks briefly brushed his lips against hers and whispered "I'm ready if you are. I jump if you jump remember?"

"Ok partner" Kensi smiled and nodded. "Let's do this. Let's jump. Let's be _everything_."


End file.
